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JackinQ&A

QUESTIONS ABOUT DEALING WITH OTHER MALES

I want to masturbate with another guy, just for reasons of curiosity and experimentation. Is it possible to catch any type of STD during a mutual masturbation session? The furthest I'd go would be to touch him and possibly masturbate him and have him in return masturbate me.

Except in the case of open sores or cuts on the hands and genitals, there is zero chance of contracting an STD simply by masturbating another guy or being masturbated by him.

After reading your site several times I have asked several of my friends if they masturbate. I have been teased for asking them. Am I wrong for what I have done?

Not at all. We at JackinWorld believe the more people talk about masturbation — no matter what's being said — the better. The reason you're being teased is your friends are jealous that you have the guts to talk openly about this still very taboo subject. Of course they all masturbate, too, but they probably feel guilty about it, and the more guilty they feel, the less likely they are to bring it up in conversation. Then you come along and treat it like any other everyday topic, which throws them. Don't let it bother you. Tell people that you masturbate and enjoy it, and if they continue to tease you, ignore them. By bringing the topic of masturbation out into the light, you're doing a lot more good than you probably realize. And no matter how people may act toward you openly, deep down they're sure to respect you for being so brave.

I used to be friends with this guy, and we always either mutually masturbated, masturbated each other, or wrestled in our boxers or nude. Then one night when I was sleeping over at his house and we were lying in bed together, he asked me to give him oral sex. I told him no, even though I really wanted to try it. He never talked to me again. What should I do, and what does that say about him?
- age 16, Illinois


It sounds like he wasn't quite ready for the events that developed in your friendship. It's probably too late now, but you possibly could have saved your friendship if you had just explained at the time that masturbation was as far as you wanted to take your experimentation together. He probably felt ashamed that he had asked, and maybe he felt your opinion of him would be different from then on. He was probably already ashamed about some of the things you had done together. But frankly, anytime a friendship escalates to this level, things can derail pretty quickly. Both people involved need to be thoroughly comfortable with themselves and what they're doing, and if a conflict arises, they need to be able to talk about it.

I'm 24 and have recently gotten to know a guy who is 19. We both go to the same college. We have talked about masturbation and how we have masturbated with other males; I have always been into doing this kind of thing as long as we didn't touch each other intimately or romantically. I get the feeling he would like to do this me. I am wondering if this isn't a good idea because he is 5 years younger. Exactly how much of an age difference is too much?
- age 24, Pennsylvania


It's not so much a matter of age difference as it is a matter of power difference. In terms of their standings as peers, an 11-year-old and a 16-year-old are very different, whereas a 24-year-old and a 19-year-old are not all that different — even though both pairs are 5 years apart. What you want to avoid is one of you making bad decisions because of a power imbalance (either explicit or implicit). There's also legal considerations; in some locations, a 16-year-old might be liable for statutory rape with a younger person — but there are very few locations (if any) where a 19-year-old is not considered a consenting adult.

I'm 16 and my brother is 12. I really want to tell him about masturbation, but I don't know if I should. Also, I don't think my parents would appreciate me telling him about it. How should I bring it up, since we've have never talked about it before?

Perhaps it's better that you don't tell him about masturbation then. Go on your instincts — if you think doing so would be against your family's values, then you probably shouldn't do it. Of course, you could always "accidentally" leave the JackinWorld URL lying around somewhere....

I am 15 and masturbate at least once a day (usually more). One day my dad walked in on me. He cussed me out and said I would be gay if I masturbated and even went as far as accusing my grandfather of showing me how to do it. Now that I am in high school I want to confront my dad about the matter and clear the air — but I am scared to do so because he is very closed-minded. What should I do?

Sounds like your father has some serious hang-ups about masturbation. Maybe it's best not to do anything, at least for now; you probably won't change his mind at all. Once you move away for college or are on your own, perhaps you can write a letter and tell him how you feel. In the mean time, just understand that your father is of a different, more conservative generation, and as you move toward adulthood you have a right to develop values you're more comfortable with — values that are more in line with those of our society as a whole.

I am a 24-year-old heterosexual male and a mentor to a 13-year-old boy as part of a church program. This boy is an only child who lives with his mom and stepdad. Sometimes he casually brings up the topic of masturbation, but he never really talks about it, and I don't feel right pushing the topic. When he talks about it, it's always very abstract — it never has to do with himself. And he never stays on the subject for long. At the same time, I have an overwhelming desire to talk about masturbation with him, to see "where he is at" and help him if he needs it. I love him very much (though not in an unhealthy way) and feel like I could help him, especially considering the misinformation boys his age love to spread. Am I sick for feeling this way?

It's normal to be concerned about your young friend's well-being, but proceed with caution. Especially since you're not one of his parents, don't go into sensitive topics unless it's clear he wants to go there. And if you do start to talk about it, keep it general — provide appropriate information about truths and untruths, but don't pry or get personal, or offer information about yourself he doesn't ask for. Of course you could always steer him toward a book or JackinWorld, as that way he can do the searching for information on his own terms and in privacy. Good luck.

I am a single man with a 12-year-old adopted son. He found JackinWorld. (I don't mind — I encourage him to keep logging in.) But now he wants to masturbate with me and even sleep with me in my bed. I've told him no several times, but he says since we're not blood-related that it would be okay. Maybe he'll believe you more than he'll believe me — can you explain why it's wrong?

It's just not right for a father to masturbate with a son. Blood relationship has nothing to do with it (because nobody is at risk of pregnancy); rather it is a matter of ensuring healthy boundaries. When a child is growing up it's very important for his or her family to set boundaries on what's appropriate interpersonal behavior, as these shape the way the person acts with other persons for the rest of their life. If you were to masturbate with your son, when he grows up he might not have healthy relationships with his own children — he wouldn't have that strong, foundational understanding of what is and what is not appropriate behavior. It's these boundaries that keep us from doing things that aren't socially acceptable (or are even hurtful), and they're highly important to the way we function as a society. On top of that it's possible he could develop an abnormal attachment or fixation on you, and that could be really unhealthy at this early stage in his sexual development.

I don't understand why guys would want to masturbate with each another. That doesn't interest me. Does that mean something is wrong with me?

Absolutely not! This topic frequently come up on JackinWorld because a lot of people have questions about it. But certainly it's not abnormal or even unusual not to want to engage in mutual masturbation. Some people do, some don't; that's about all there is to it.

I'm 17. I recently told my ten-year-old cousin about masturbation and wet dreams. I did this because his dad thinks masturbation is bad, and I didn't want him to think that. Also, I didn't want him to be scared the first time he ejaculated. I just gave him a basic definition — no techniques — and I gave him the address of this site. I haven't seen anything in the Bible that says masturbation is wrong, anyway. (We both believe in the Bible.) Have I overstepped my boundaries or done something illegal?

I don't think you did anything wrong, and you certainly haven't done anything illegal. In fact, it's great that you were sharing good, healthy, well-intentioned information with your cousin, and I'm sure he'll appreciate it later on. As for the Bible...well, many Christians believe the story of Onan (Genesis 38), who spilled his seed upon the ground, condemns masturbation — but it's definitely a matter of interpretation.

I'm attracted to women sexually and emotionally, but I am also sexually attracted to guys. I'm interested in seeing my friends' penises, and I have fantasies about masturbating with them. (Not having sex — just masturbating.) I would never want a relationship with a guy, because I don't really feel any attraction toward males other than wanting to see them in the nude. So what am I? Just because I am curious about masturbating with another male, does this make me gay? Or am I bisexual?
- age 16, New York

Well, as I mentioned in my article What Is Homosexuality?, I don't think it's a great idea for most people to try to settle on a sexual orientation until they're in their 20s. At your age, you're still sorting through your feelings. It's great that you're acknowledging your attraction to both sexes — that's very healthy thinking — but why not just leave it at that? If you're compelled to give yourself a label at this point, perhaps "bisexual" would be best; this will allow you to go either way later on, if indeed you decide you prefer one gender over the other. I certainly would advise against convincing yourself you're gay if you have a strong attraction to women. There's no reason to abandon those feelings, because they could become very important to you later in life.

I am a 17, and my brother is 14. I accidentally walked in on him when he was masturbating the other night, and I was very intrigued. I have never masturbated with another guy before, and truthfully, I don't even masturbate by myself a whole lot — once a week at most. Is it okay to ask him to masturbate with me? I have read all the JackinQ&A's on masturbating with others, and they have all been about younger guys asking older guys, not vice-versa.
- age 17, Alabama

I don't think it's a good idea to ask him. You're a little too much older than him for the two of you to be considered equal peers — you're definitely the "older brother" — and while you may not mean to abuse your position, he might not feel comfortable with saying no. In that case, it would be a mild form of sexual abuse.

I don't mean to scare you. It's just that for the good of both of you, it's probably better either to let him lead, or to let nothing happen at all.

I am 23 and going away to college for the first time. I masturbate one to two times a day. I will be living in a dorm with a roommate, and I'm concerned whether I'll have enough privacy to masturbate when I want. Also, is it common to masturbate with your roommate in the room?

Well, you probably won't be able to masturbate whenever you want. You'll probably have to time your sessions around your roommate's schedule — for instance, you could do it in bed if he wakes up and leaves for class before you do, or while he's in the shower, or while he's out with friends. Provided you two aren't always in the same place at the same time, there are usually plenty of opportunities to masturbate. Unfortunately, that also means an equal number of times you can be accidentally walked in on — so be careful!

A few JackinWorld readers have mentioned they were able to masturbate with their roommate in the room — but unless you make a mutual agreement of some kind, or if you actually work up to doing it in each other's presence, that's probably not a great idea.

I'm 18 years old and haven't masturbated too many times in my life. Now I'm at college and live in a small dorm room. My roommate always goes to sleep after me. Is there any place I could masturbate, like in the shower?

A popular technique for college students is to get in bed under the covers when your roommate is out (and you don't expect him back for a while); that way you can freely masturbate, and if he comes back you can quickly cover yourself and look like you were just lying in bed. If you keep a book handy it will look like you were reading. Of course, if you're the honest type you can just say, "I was masturbating — do you mind leaving again for a few minutes?" Other possibilities are masturbating in a bathroom stall or, yes, the shower — although some guys don't like to do it standing up. (And it wastes water!)

I really want to masturbate with a good friend of mine, but I'm afraid to ask him. We both get an erection at the same time when talking about girls, and we both talk about masturbating. Any suggestions?
- age 17, Nevada

Rather than asking him to masturbate with you, you might have better luck (and it might be less scary) if you're more indirect about it. The next time you're talking about girls and getting aroused, don't change the subject. Keep at it for a while. Then, ask if he would mind if you "got a little more comfortable" and masturbated. He just might tell you to go ahead — and once you start, he's likely to join you.

The thing that usually prevents guys from masturbating together is that it seems to be in some way "gay." But if you keep the initial focus on girls, and if you're both sufficiently aroused, those taboos usually go away.

Why is it you're not gay if you're a guy and you masturbate another guy?

Masturbating another guy is a gay activity, but that doesn't mean you have gay preferences. For the finer points of this distinction, please read "What Is Homosexuality?".

I feel uncomfortable — anxious and nervous — when my friends masturbate in front of me. How can I tell them how I feel without hurting their feelings?
- age 17, Massachusetts

I don't think you'll hurt their feelings. Just tell them you feel masturbation should be done in private and that you aren't interested in watching. They obviously feel otherwise, but hopefully they'll get the message and respect your feelings.

I read JackinWorld every week, and there are all of these questions about guys masturbating with other guys. I have never heard of this. It's something my friends and I would never consider. Do that many people really do it?
- age 14, New York

Judging from the mail I get, yes! This isn't a revelation, though — in his study back in the 1950s, the famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey discovered that nearly 50% of adult males had had a sexual experience of some kind with another male at some time in their lives. I'd say that number is probably higher nowadays, since teen boys know much more about masturbation, it's no longer believed to be harmful, and there's less of a feeling that masturbating with other guys is "perverted."

I am confused. I have read some of the letters to JackinWorld that say they like to think of other guys in the locker room, and that they "circle jerk" [group masturbate] with other guys. I have also read some of the stories about guys masturbating with their brothers and friends. Most of these people say they are not gay, but yet they get aroused off other guys and masturbate with them. Isn't that what being gay is? Being attracted to the same sex? I am straight and the only thing I have ever thought about while masturbating is women, and it sounds just plain nasty to masturbate with other guys.
- age 15, California

There's a difference between being attracted to guys and being attracted to guys masturbating. Masturbation is sexy behavior, and sexy behavior turns most guys on — period. You are not necessarily gay if you like to watch someone else masturbating, or even if you're aroused by the idea of one of your friends masturbating. If you happen to think it's nasty, well, that's fine — but other straight guys seem to have different feelings about it.

My 10-year-old cousin asked me, "What is 'playing with yourself'?" How should I respond, and should I teach him how to do it?
- age 15, Canada

Just tell him it's when a boy rubs his penis to pleasure himself. If he wants to know more, sit him down at the computer and point him to JackinWorld. If he asks to watch you masturbate and is really interested in seeing how it's done, that's probably okay. Either way, he's sure to get the picture, and he'll probably start masturbating, too.

My brother is 17 and we share a bedroom. At night we both strip down to our boxers and go to bed. Each night when we do this I get an erection and want to masturbate, but I'm embarrassed because he never masturbates. How can I masturbate with him in the room?
- age 15, Nevada

First of all, it's probably not true that your brother never masturbates! He might just do it at other times. If possible, ask him how often (not "if") he masturbates. Who knows — he might have the same problem, as it's always nice to masturbate before going to sleep. Perhaps you can reach an agreement where you can both masturbate in your beds, even if it's in the dark.

I am 14 and my brother is 16. Is it okay to ask him if he masturbates? Will he think I'm some kind of freak?
- age 14, Texas

That depends on your brother. He could give you an honest answer, or he could say "no" (in which case there's a good chance he's not telling you the truth), or he could tell you to get lost (which probably means "yes"). It's not at all a "freaky" question, though, because masturbation is such a common activity.

I am 17 and my brother is 13. We masturbate in front of each other sometimes, and we have masturbated each other a couple of times. Before I masturbate, it feels completely all right for us to be doing this, but after I finish I feel terrible. I am not interested in guys, but since I don't have a girlfriend this is a release for my sexual feelings. Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

As long as you carry your activity through to completion you'll probably feel guilty, which is very common after any ejaculation (even solo). I can't make you feel any less guilty, but I can tell you that if you're feeling overwhelmed with guilt or if it's affecting your relationship with your brother, perhaps you shouldn't masturbate with him anymore.

My little brother and I share the same bed. We both sleep in our underpants. Some nights I wake up and find his hands are inside my underpants and he's playing with my penis. Its feels so good I just let him do it, but when I ejaculate I feel guilty! Should I let him continue to do this?
- age 13, California

If you are that troubled by guilt, perhaps you shouldn't. If sexual play between brothers occurs, it's important that it doesn't become a source of major anguish and guilt, as this can lead to bigger emotional problems when you're older.

I was in my brother's room and I had an erection, so I started rubbing it through my pants. He told me to stop or get out. I know for a fact that he masturbates, and I think he told me to stop because he thought there was something wrong with it, even though I think we would both enjoy doing it in front of each other. What should I do?
- age 15, New York

You might have to respect the fact that he's uncomfortable about the idea. It sounds like he's your older brother, and the older a guy gets, the more uncomfortable he tends to get with the idea of fooling around with another guy. (That's because he's getting more and more societal pressure to have sex with girls, and more and more signals that fooling around with a guy is "gay" and therefore, for whatever reason, bad.)

We take showers after basketball games, and in the shower I'm always focused on the other boys' penises. One time I got an erection. What can help to prevent this?
- age 14, Nevada

Well, by not looking, for one! As difficult as it may be, I'm afraid distracting yourself and not thinking about it may be the only way to avoid getting aroused in this difficult situation.

My friend and I have been trying mutual masturbation a lot recently, and so far he has achieved an orgasm every single time, while I have not gotten any. It's as if I'm almost there, but it just stops happening. Of course, 5 or 6 seconds (no exaggeration) after my hand gets back in action, I'm there. At first I was thinking it was due to nervousness — but the last few times were almost second-nature, and I wasn't nervous at all. How can I learn to ejaculate with his hand as well as with mine?

There might be something psychological going on, where you're blocking the orgasm because you're subconsciously afraid to have it. From your question, I assume you're able to ejaculate on your own when he's sitting next to you. If so, try to gradually make the transition — you can masturbate yourself while he rubs your scrotum, the base of your penis, etc. Or, you can try wrapping your hand (or hands) around his and doing all the work. In other words, work up to it over the course of several sessions — try to get there by going through some "in between" stages first.

 
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