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JackinQ&A

QUESTIONS ABOUT DEALING WITH FEMALES

About a year ago when one of my sister's friends was spending the night and they were at the store, I sneaked into my sister's room and pulled her friend's panties out of her bag. I started to masturbate with them, rubbing them on my penis and smelling them, and I really liked it. I've done it quite a few times since then and loved every minute of it. I've even done it with one of my friends' mom's panties. I always put them back, and I never get any semen on them. Is there anything wrong with this fetish, or is it just kind of creepy? Should I stop?

There's nothing particularly wrong with having an attraction to women's panties — but the way you're acting on it is definitely wrong. You're invading these people's personal things as well as their privacy. Would you like it if you learned someone you didn't know was stealing your own underwear so they could masturbate with it? Saying "What they don't know won't hurt them" isn't enough — even if they never found out (and they certainly might one of these days), you are still messing with their private belongings, violating their personal space, and that's just wrong.

It would be harmless if you obtained a pair of women's panties (not by stealing!) and masturbated with them, using your imagination to pretend they're someone else's. If this doesn't do it for you and you can get pleasure only by using someone else's stuff, that suggests a serious problem. In this case you should seek out professional counseling, because it will almost certainly get you into major trouble sometime down the road.

A few days ago my girlfriend asked if she could masturbate me. While she was doing this, I ejaculated the biggest load ever — all over her face — and now she doesn't want to see me. She said it was disgusting, and I tried to tell her I couldn't help it and that I was sorry. What should I do?
- age 17, United Kingdom


Is it that she doesn't want to see you, or did you actually blind her? (Just kidding!) That's a tough one. I hope she realizes all guys she dates will ejaculate as well, so you're no different in that regard. Tell her you made a mistake — that you should have warned her it was going to happen and gotten her out of the "line of fire." You might point out semen is a normal secretion of the male body, and that if she ever wats to have children, someone will have to ejaculate the same stuff inside her. (Then again, that thought may keep her from ever having kids!) Just remember it's not really your problem — she has some growing up to do, so that she's used to the smells and liquids that happen when two people get intimate. They may seem "gross" to the uninitiated, but getting used to them is all part of growing up and learning about sexuality.

I'm 16 years old. I've never masturbated before, but my girlfriend recently tried to masturbate me for 10 or 15 minutes, and I was unable to ejaculate. Could this be because I don't masturbate? I know I'm able to ejaculate because I have plenty of nocturnal emissions. If I were to masturbate regularly, would this help?

It might — in addition to feeling so good, masturbation teaches us about our body and our sexual response, so it can be a great way to prepare for sexual situations like these. Of course, you can always learn about your body when you're with your girlfriend, too — you don't have to masturbate. It may take a little patience on the part of both of you, but before long you'll probably learn to let go and let your body reach orgasm normally.

When I masturbate at home when I'm alone, nothing ever comes out of my penis until I climax. However, when I'm with my girlfriend, I can feel "pre-cum" oozing out, even when we're not doing anything sexual. This is kind of embarrassing, because when we do become sexual I always have a big wet spot in my underwear. I think she notices but doesn't say anything about it. Is this normal? How can I make this "pre-cum" stop, or at least decline?
- age 16, Alabama


As far as I know, there's really nothing that can be done about it. You just have to learn to understand, and your girlfriend needs to learn to understand, that Cowper's gland secretion, or "pre-cum," is a natural product of the male body, just as semen is. (Or just as menstrual discharge is for a woman.) While many males never secrete "pre-cum" at all, for others, quite a lot comes out. Perhaps as you and your girlfriend get used to the phenomenon you might even be able to enjoy it or have fun with it. Remember that no natural condition is as bad as an abnormal condition — for instance, being an adult male unable to secrete any seminal fluids at all. Sometimes the fluids and smells of sex seem a little messy — it's never "perfect" like it often is in the movies — but that's nature, and we all have to learn to live with it.

I am a 15-year-old male. Whenever my girlfriend and I are making out, I always have an erection and am greatly turned on by her and her body. She often offers to masturbate me, but I deny her. The thing is, when I take out my penis, I always lose my erection, almost like it's scared of her. My penis is about 7 inches long, so I am not embarrassed about the size. And I know it's not a physical problem, because I masturbate alone with no problems and maintain erections for hours (not fun) when we're making out. What's the problem, and what can I do about it?

This has got to be some kind of psychological block. Maybe your subconscious is telling you you're not ready for sexual play with another person, or you're just nervous. To compound the problem, based on your past history you probably get somewhat anxious each time you reveal your penis, and anxiety and erections don't mix. However, the more experience you have with this kind of situation, the less likely it is to happen. If you're truly comfortable with having an erection around someone and/or playing with them sexually, you should have little problem getting and maintaining an erection. (Most of the time, anyway.)

Another thing to try, when the right time and place are right, is to undress and then continue making out. Eventually you'll forget your nakedness, and your erection will come back.

When my girlfriend masturbates me, I cannot ejaculate. She does it for like 15 minutes and "it" never happens. So her arms get tired and she quits. It leaves me cranky and often unsatisfied. I know how to solve the crankiness, but I do not want to finish — or even start, for that matter — in front of her. What can I do, if anything, to ejaculate quicker when she masturbates me?

I suggest you try to get over your inhibitions about masturbating in front of her. Unless she can develop an awful lot of patience (and arm stamina!) she may never be able to give you an orgasm by hand. You could try going for a long time (like more than a week) without so much as touching your penis, which will probably make you more sensitive and closer to a quick orgasm than usual. But I think you're better off working on those inhibitions — they're exactly the same inhibitions that are keeping you from ejaculating in front of her at all.

My girlfriend likes to masturbate me, and believe you me, I love it too — but her hand cramps up because I take too long to ejaculate. What can I do to speed up the process?

This may be an obvious answer, but try masturbating yourself until you're close (during which she can help you out by rubbing you somewhere, etc.). Then she can take over — hopefully you'll ejaculate before her hand cramps up. If not, work on yourself some more and try again.

When I ejaculate, sometimes the sperm gets on parts of the toilet. I'm afraid I won't clean some up and a female family member will actually get the sperm into her system. Could this ever happen?
- age 16, California


It's very doubtful. The semen would have to be fresh, and it would have to touch a moist part of the female genitalia — and even then it would be difficult for the sperm to find their way to an egg. As long as you wipe the surface thoroughly, any remaining trace amounts of sperm will dry up and die before anything can happen. But we're very glad you're worried about female pregnancy and what happens to your sperm!

I'm 28 and have been masturbating for 11 years, and until 5 years ago it was my only sexual outlet. Since then I've had three relationships, including my current one with the woman I intend to spend my life with. The problem is I've *never* been able to have an orgasm and ejaculate during sex with a partner. The closest was once being able to masturbate myself to orgasm while in bed with my then-girlfriend — however this was a one-time thing, and was in itself very difficult. I am not impotent — I can sustain an erection for hours, and have sometimes gotten close to an orgasm during sex — but am never able to quite get there. I am worried that all those years of masturbating have built up a resistance in my body, so that masturbation is the *only* way I will ever be able to orgasm.

Our sex life is, otherwise, just fine. She tells me she is very satisfied, and I enjoy every other part of the sex. However, it has started to affect our relationship. I have reassured her this is something I have been dealing with for a long time. I hope to someday have a child with her, and do not relish the prospect of masturbating into a cup at some fertility clinic.

I don't think it's psychological — we've already dealt with personal hang-ups, fetishes, etc. For a long time I thought the problem involved condom use, but we even took a chance on having unprotected sex, with no better results. I'm pretty much out of ideas.


I've heard stories similar to yours but not to the degree you describe it. First, I have to say I really doubt your problem is due to the fact that you've masturbated for 11 years. Why? First, because so many males masturbate regularly — the vast, vast majority — yet have no problem orgasming with another person. Second, and perhaps more important, because of the fact that you cannot masturbate yourself to orgasm with someone else in the room. This all but proves to me that the problem is psychological — how else can you explain that someone's mere presence makes you unable to orgasm? If it were only a matter of physical sensation, closing your eyes and masturbating with your girlfriend next to you would be no different from masturbating alone.

I agree with you that this problem should be dealt with, as it's putting severe limits (and apparently mounting pressures) on your relationship. Complicating the problem is the fact that the more trouble you have the more uptight you get about it, and being uptight is definitely not the way to smash through sexual blocks.

I recommend attacking this problem in gradual stages. When you're housebreaking a puppy, one technique is to train it to do its thing on newspaper inside first and then gradually move the paper outside until it wants to go out to go to the bathroom. I'd do a similar thing for your situation — as long as your girlfriend is willing to help. But perhaps for this "treatment" it's best that you not masturbate alone for a while if you can help it, as that will probably make things easier. Start by masturbating with your girlfriend in the room but far away, perhaps not paying attention. Do not ejaculate until you can ejaculate with her in the room. Then, the next time, bring her a little closer. Then allow her to watch. Then allow her to touch you while you masturbate, and then to help you masturbate, and then finally to masturbate you to orgasm. Or you can skip that phase and try intercourse. The idea is to go in tiny increments, getting comfortable with each step before moving onto the next. Be creative about it, and make it a little game. It may take a while, but I think it will work.

You WILL get over this. You just need to be very patient and methodical about it, as it's probably the only way the problem will be solved. And please let us know how things worked out.

When I masturbate I usually ejaculate within 2-5 minutes, and that's fine. But my girlfriend and I are talking about sex, and I am concerned I won't be able to "last long." I know I could masturbate beforehand, but chances are the situation won't permit that alternative. Any advice?

This may sound like a terrible idea, but one alternative is to save your sexual exploration until you're in a situation where you can take plenty of time, and then incorporate masturbation into your lovemaking. Teens are often very insecure about sharing masturbation "secrets" with their mates, but if you love each other and approach the situation carefully it will bring you closer together. Many adults who can handle the matter in a mature fashion incorporate masturbation into sex, and if you're mature about it you can, too. Fast, out-of-control sex may be exciting (for the minute or two it lasts), but it's usually very disappointing — especially for her. One ejaculation is not likely to finish you off for the day, so if you have lots of time you can spend the rest of it going slowly together.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years. We've engaged in sexual intercourse many times — but I've always had a fantasy of watching her masturbate, or masturbating with her. She has told me she doesn't masturbate, and I believe her. I have gotten her to touch herself but not actually masturbate. I think she is just embarrassed about doing it — not only in front of me but by herself. Is there some way I could convince her there's no reason to be embarrassed?

This is very common. Unfortunately many girls do not get the chance to explore their bodies and their sexuality at as young an age as do boys. So she may still have hang-ups about touching herself "down there," perhaps because she has the idea it isn't "ladylike" or "nice."

First, explore her attitudes about masturbation. If she's open to the idea or curious, things will be relatively easy. Start by masturbating her, or having her watch you masturbate — whatever she wants. Ask her what feels good to her. Enjoy the process together, be very communicative and loving, and take your time. Losing sexual hang-ups is a process of unlearning that can take months or even years — and she may not be ready to tackle it just yet. If that's the case, you're probably better off not pushing the idea until she feels a little more comfortable. Until then, tell her (and show her!) how wonderful masturbation really is!

I'm 17. The other night I was baby-sitting my 13-year-old cousin, and she asked me to masturbate in front of her, because she was curious what it was like. I must admit at the time I was very aroused, but I told her it wouldn't be right. Throughout the night she continued bugging me about it until I finally did it. Afterward, I felt sick because not only was she my cousin, but she was also a lot younger. Did I do something terribly wrong?

I know some people would disagree, but I think as long as your cousin really wanted you to do it, and as long as there was no physical contact between you, the incident was probably relatively harmless. The thing about the age differential (and 13 to 17 is a fairly large differential) has to do with an imbalance of power, which in your case was magnified considerably by the gender difference. But from your description, you were absolutely not leading the action — she was. Still, it was healthy for you to feel concerned afterwards about what happened.

Some people would say this was a form of sexual abuse simply because of your ages and genders (not to mention the blood relationship). But in my opinion, like so many things in life, you can't make decisions about complicated situations using a couple of rigid criteria about age, gender, etc. And because laws tend to be rigid and fairly simplistic, many otherwise innocent, healthy, knows-right-from-wrong people get into trouble with the law. There simply isn't a two- or three-variable formula you can use to accurately determine which actions are right and which are wrong in every case. At the same time, though, you should never use this argument to justify wrong actions in progress. For instance, if you're interested in masturbating in front of a much younger person, start to do it, and then ask the person if it's okay that you continue, just because the younger person says "yes" doesn't mean it's okay. He or she may not feel comfortable telling the truth, because of the power imbalance. But if they're following you around for an hour begging you to masturbate for them, that's something else. They made the decision and took all the action, not you. In my opinion there's a big difference.

Still, some people would argue that minors are incapable of making such decisions, simply on account of their age. I happen to disagree. Laws are in place to protect youths, and in most cases they work well at effectively delineating between right and wrong — at least as well as most laws do — and therefore the law should be respected. In your case, since I don't know the laws of the part of the world in which you live, I can't comment on the legality of your situation. But if you're seeking the true, subtle differences between "kinda right" and "kinda wrong," you need to look at each individual situation, with all the variables in play, much more carefully.

My girlfriend and I (of 5 months) have not had sexual intercourse because we're afraid of her getting pregnant, we don't feel ready, and we're concerned about STDs (even though we're both virgins). But we have done pretty much everything else sexually. I've always wanted to take a shower or bath with her, but she says my sperm can swim through the water and enter her, possibly making her pregnant. If worse comes to worse I'll buy a condom to wear in the shower. I've heard that sperm can live in moist areas (like a vagina), so does she have a chance of getting pregnant if we masturbate together in the shower?

I'd say the risk is close to zero in the shower, especially if you don't get semen near her genital region. In the bathtub, though, I'm not as sure. The risk is certainly low, and it may in fact be zero — especially if the water is very soapy — but since the semen can linger in the water, I wouldn't completely rule out a chance of pregnancy. You're better off in the shower (but be careful about where your semen goes), or in the bath with a condom. And she can always further reduce the chance by using a contraceptive jelly, foam, or sponge.

I am good friends with a girl, but we do not want to be in a relationship (she has a boyfriend at the moment). Would it be wrong to masturbate with her? We talk about masturbation and technique all the time. Plus, we've seen each other naked, and we turn each other on incredibly. She doesn't think her relationship is going to last, as he lives two hours away. We both intend to get together (in some way) when they break up — but would it be wrong to play with each other now, as friends?

I don't particularly think so, but a lot of it has to do with the relationship your friend has with her boyfriend. Does she think he would mind? Would she tell him about it? If he would consider her masturbating you an act of betrayal, it probably isn't a good idea. You and she will have to figure this out based on the dynamics of the relationship. You can never go wrong waiting until the relationship is over to start playing sexually. Also bear in mind that it's very easy for a friendship to be damaged by going sexual; it takes a lot of maturity for a couple to stay friends and non-romantic sexual playmates.

I am having a really bad time with my sister. I was masturbating in my room and she waltzed right in. She started laughing hysterically, and I had to shove her out of my room. Now she won't get off my back! I can't get any masturbation in because every single hour she is walking into my room. She also makes jokes with her friends and even at the dinner table! I am so embarrassed and don't know what to do. How can I get her to stop, without making myself even more embarrassed?

Sounds like a bad situation! If your parents have already been subjected to your sister's blabbing (and it sounds like they have), as embarrassing as it may be, perhaps it's time to ask them to intervene. Your sister needs to understand that a person needs privacy, and your parents are the best people to convey this to her. You don't have to tell them you masturbate — just say your sister has been invading your privacy and you want it to stop. (And ask for a lock for your door!)

If you don't want your parents involved at all, have a serious, sit-down talk with your sister and discuss the idea of privacy and explain how important it is to you. If that doesn't work, I would rather not suggest this, but your sister may need some of her own medicine. I'm sure you can think of subtle, non-destructive ways to invade her privacy and show her how you're feeling without overdoing it. Just try not to let matters get out of hand; remember, you're trying to solve problems, not make matters worse.

I never know what to do when I'm getting a "hand job." Sometimes I want to move with it (sometimes involuntarily), but I'm just not sure what the girl will think. I also don't know what to do about ejaculation. I mean, it's not like I want to have to take off my shirt or lift it up. I also don't want to get semen everywhere and then have to go through the clean-up process.

I'll tackle your concerns one by one. First, it's perfectly normal to want to move your body when someone is masturbating you. This should be a time when your partner is giving you pleasure — so there's no need to destroy the mood by worrying what she'll think if your body reacts in a normal way. Of course, you can always ask her, "Do you mind if I move my hips a little?" I can't imagine why she'd object. In general, a little communication goes a long way toward easing tensions — as well as getting exactly what kind of pleasure you'd like to get. As for ejaculation...well, unfortunately that comes with the territory, doesn't it? If you're not in a situation where you can take off your shirt, you can hold a tissue in your hand and put it in front of your penis when you're ready to ejaculate. This also makes cleanup much easier. Just have plenty of tissue handy in case of a spill or an especially large ejaculation (which often happens when you're being masturbated).

I have a problem I don't understand. For some reason, it bothers me when my girlfriend masturbates. We've already had sexual intercourse, and her masturbating makes me feel like I couldn't make her happy in any sexual way. I need help or understanding.

This is a common problem in relationships — although it's more often the woman who's bothered by her boyfriend's masturbating. I think you've already figured out the cause of your concern: it makes you feel less adequate. Sometimes we — and I'm talking about both sexes here — like to think our partner's sexual gratification is dependent on our own ability to provide them with pleasure. But it's important to understand we're able to provide ourselves with pleasure in different ways when we're by ourselves. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. And for many of us, we feel most gratified when we're able to enjoy sexual pleasure in a variety of forms.

Ask yourself this: Do you masturbate alone during periods (days or weeks) of sexual activity? Why? Your girlfriend feels the same way. In this respect — the desire to seek out different types of sexual gratification — the two sexes aren't all that different.

I'd say you should feel happy and lucky you have a girlfriend who's in touch enough with her body and sexuality to give herself pleasure. Provided it isn't interfering with your time together, I'd recommend you let her give herself pleasure whenever she likes.

How do I get my girlfriend aroused enough to let me masturbate her?

Ask her! She has her own desires and preferences, so she'd be able to give you much better information than I could ever provide. Understand that what turns women on mentally and what turns men on mentally are quite different. Talking to your girlfriend is really the only way you can sort this out. Plus, it's good for your relationship.

How do I find out if my girlfriend masturbates when she's by herself? I would like to masturbate with her. Is this a good idea? Is it okay to ask her? What if she says no?

Well, you can always just start telling her about your masturbation habits and hope she volunteers to divulge her "secret." If she doesn't say anything at that point, it might be a good time to ask. Other than just talking about it, I don't think it is possible to find out without invading her privacy.

The great thing about mutual masturbation is it means you can explore each other's sexuality without going "all the way" to intercourse, which is great if you aren't quite ready for it yet.

I have a girlfriend, and we have normal intercourse. But often when I'm alone I feel like masturbating and just do it. Sometimes I think this is unfair towards her. Do other boys who have girlfriends still masturbate? Or should this stop if you have intercourse?
- age 20, Switzerland

It's very common for males to masturbate when they're in a couple — even older married men. This is something not too many women understand. But the best possible thing would be to get her to understand that while you enjoy having sex with her, masturbation fills a need you can't get from sex. Then, hopefully, she'll let you do it in peace, and you'll feel better.

I have been masturbating for about a year now, and I think it's great. I often think about my girlfriend masturbating when I'm going at it, rather than having sex with her. I know she masturbates, too, and I was wondering if it would be considered weird or wrong to masturbate together. I don't think I'm ready to have intercourse yet, but beating off with her sure sounds like fun! Do other people do this?
- age 14, Oregon

Congratulations for deciding you aren't yet ready for sex — for kids your age, that's what masturbation is all about. It's actually quite common for boyfriends and girlfriends to masturbate together. It's a way for the two of you to explore your sexuality without actually taking the plunge (so to speak) with intercourse. Ask her — she might be into the idea.

How can I teach my girlfriend to give me a better handjob? I always get more pleasure when I do it myself.
- age 15, Iowa

That's an all-too-familiar concern. People who don't have penises just aren't as good at masturbating them as people who do. The best thing I could tell you would be to have her read the Question of the Week that dealt with this issue.

I love to masturbate, but my girlfriend thinks it's disgusting. She is 18 and still won't touch herself. I want to get her involved so we can please each other. I want her to give me a handjob, and I want her to know how great masturbation is. Any suggestions as to how to show her it is natural, exciting, and fun?
- age 18, Wisconsin

Your girlfriend has some sexual hangups, which isn't uncommon. I would just recommend talking with her and taking it very slowly. Get her comfortable with seeing you naked, then with seeing your erect penis, then with touching it, then with watching you ejaculate, etc. Only time and experience will allow her to get over her hangups so she can share your enjoyment of masturbation — and learn a few ways she can pleasure herself, too.

My aunt caught me masturbating. Now she says I have to do it in front of her or she will tell my mom I was stealing. Is it okay to show her?
- age 14, California

No. Your aunt is using a position of power to get something from you you don't want to (nor should you) provide. This is a form of abuse. I can't offer advice here to solve your problem, but I hope your aunt doesn't lie to get you in trouble — and if she does, I hope your mother will trust that you are the one telling the truth.

I masturbate once or twice a day and I have a little sister who also masturbates. I am 15, and she is 12. We both really want to masturbate together, but I think it's illegal. What should we do?

It may or may not be illegal, but there are other considerations, too --including moral ones. I personally feel there's a difference between male and female siblings sex-playing together, and two siblings of the same gender sex-playing together. Whenever there's an imbalance of power or control — whether it's due to too large an age difference or due to a gender difference — weird things can happen that may haunt one (or both) of you psychologically when you're older. Still, the choice is up to the two of you.

In JackinHow-To, you mentioned some contractions of the body that occur when a guy has an orgasm. Yesterday I was watching a video and one girl was masturbating, and when she got very excited, some kind of liquid came out from inside her vagina. The question is: Is that a result of the orgasm? Or is it just lubrication?
- age 14, Mexico

The fluid you saw was probably vaginal lubrication. Some mentions have been made of "female ejaculation," but actually many women just produce a gush of lubrication when they orgasm, and the similarity to men's ejaculation is merely coincidental. However, others have reported fluid actually leaving the female urethra during orgasm, which may, in fact, be more homologous to male ejaculation.

 
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