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JackinQ&A

QUESTIONS FROM FEMALES

This page is for female questions about male masturbation.

My boyfriend is 45 and says that he has never masturbated. Do you think he is telling the truth?

Something like one or two percent of men that age have never masturbated. I wouldn't say that's the percent chance that he's telling the truth, but if he's the type who isn't completely honest with you about relatively trivial matters, then I'd say it's unlikely.

After 3 weeks of abstinence from sex, with the exception of a few incidents of masturbation during the abstinence, my boyfriend's ejaculation was abnormally light in quantity and tasteless during oral sex. Normally, after we have abstained for that long, the quantity is much more voluminous and tastes bitter, salty — almost repugnant. He ejaculated normally, as he always does with oral sex. Supposedly he is not having an affair. What could be the cause of this new type of decreased ejaculation?

It could be anything. In some guys, semen composition and appearance can vary quite a bit from day to day and week to week, depending on diet, hydration, and yes, ejaculation frequency. I don't think it's cause for suspicion, although your boyfriend may be masturbating a bit more often than he admits (it's extremely common; don't take it personally).

I am a 21-year-old female. I've started seeing a new guy, and last night we were fooling around and he ejaculated while I was masturbting him — and I noticed that although the semen was liquidy, by the time I got to the bathroom to wash my hands, it was really sticky, like dried glue. I don't know if it was because it hit the air, but I've never seen this before. Could he have a disease or something?

It's definitely not related to any kind of a disease. All human semen has the ability to congeal to a certain extent; this is a holdover from our evolutionary primate ancestry, when a female might jump up after intercourse and run away. (These days the male is more likely to "run away," but that's a different question.) The solidification of the semen made it stay put in her vagina, improving the chances of egg fertilization. Not to make any monkey-like comparison with your new boyfriend, but everyone's semen chemistry varies. His is just more glue-like than typical. It's normal — and who knows, it might come in handy sometime if you need to put a broken vase back together!

My boyfriend and I like to mutually masturbate. But when he reaches his climax, he holds back from ejaculating. I've heard this is unhealthy and can damage him in the long run. How can I get him to release himself? Do you have any suggestions on how to prevent messes and things of that sort (if I can get him to ejaculate)?

Some guys have a real problem ejaculating in front of their partners. It may be because they feel semen is unclean — hygienically, spiritually, or otherwise. Or they're simply uncomfortable with the emotional vulnerability that this very intimate moment involves. It's unclear whether it's safe to avoid ejaculating (either by simply stopping short of orgasm or doing some kind of squeezing technique that prevents semen release), but JackinWorld's official position is just to let it go the way Nature intended things to work. Try talking to your boyfriend about why he doesn't want to ejaculate in front of you. Find out if he ejaculates when you're not with him. Tell him it would be a turn-on to see him ejaculate. If he's concerned about the "mess," put a paper towel on his chest, or gently hold a wad of tissue against the penis head, which will catch the semen as it comes out.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have great sex and are very loving to each other, but I have recently discovered that my boyfriend masturbates in his sleep. Is this possible? He asks me to wake him up if it bothers me and he will turn over. His main point is that he really is asleep. Trust has never been a problem in our relationship, so I'm wondering if what he is saying is indeed the case.

He is probably telling you the truth. Some guys do masturbate casually in their sleep sometimes, perhaps when they're dreaming about masturbating — the way a dog "runs" in his sleep if he dreams about chasing a rabbit. My question, though, is why is this a concern for you? You mention trust — that suggests to me that you aren't exactly happy with the idea of him masturbating. If he were scratching itches in his sleep, I don't think you'd be likely to doubt him if he told you he was actually asleep when he did it. In fact, you probably would never confront him about it. My advice is to talk to him about masturbation. He almost certainly masturbates both in his sleep and in his waking life, whether he tells you or not. And if he is lying — if he isn't really asleep when he's doing it — he may be feeding you that excuse because he knows you don't approve. In either case, the healthy thing to do is to discuss the matter thoroughly. Otherwise, that trust you've built will begin to break down.

Is it possible for a 15-year-old boy not to masturbate? I asked my boyfriend to stop masturbating because it seriously damages my self-esteem — he often does it after seeing a sexy commercial or TV show. He does get other sexual action, like me masturbating him and oral sex, but I don't know how to prove if he is still masturbating.

We'll give you the answer then — yes, he is still masturbating, only now in secret. Guaranteed. We're not exactly counselors, but your self-esteem issues probably go deeper than your boyfriend's personal masturbation habits. In other words, you should not rely on controlling him in your pursuit of peace of mind, or blaming your unhappiness on his private behavior. He will masturbate, no matter what you say. If you get on him enough about it, he'll start to resent it, if he doesn't already. In any case, it could definitely spell an end to your relationship. Think about how that would affect your self-esteem. Our advice is to let him do what he wants in private, and work on building your self-esteem in other ways.

I have noticed that my boyfriend touches himself in his sleep just about every night, even though we have an amazing sex life. When I tell him about it in the morning, he says he does not remember any of it, and he wonders if he has a problem. Could he truly masturbate in his sleep and never remember it?

Yes, certainly. There's a special relationship between a man's hands and his genitals. Because of the way our genitals are external, we learn to touch them for pleasure almost instinctively very early on — even unborn fetuses have been seen doing this in the womb. When we sleep, this near-automatic behavior tends to express itself, like talking in one's sleep. Even if he seems to really get into it and rub himself quite heavily, it's nothing to be worried about. And you certainly don't need to feel threatened by it — after all, he may well be dreaming about you while he does it.

I recently gave a guy a "hand-job." He didn't give any sign that he was enjoying it. I told him it was my first time, and he said to continue with what I was doing, but he didn't ejaculate. I feel really horrible about doing such a bad job, as stupid as it may sound, but I want to make sure I don't make the same mistake again. How can I do a better job next time?
- age 15, California


There's no reason for you to feel bad. After all, it might have been his first time with someone else, too, and he may have been just as nervous as you (if not more so). Also, though you rarely hear this, sometimes a guy can enjoy receiving sexual pleasure even if it doesn't end in ejaculation. He may have just had trouble reaching that point, which is very common — especially among inexperienced couples.

Still, almost any woman can improve her skill at masturbating men. For some tips, check out an old Question of the Week that asked guys what girls could do to improve their technique.

When I masturbate my boyfriend, he gets all quiet and it looks like he's about to pass out (all relaxed like). Does this mean he's enjoying it?
- age 15, Georgia


I bet it does. Some guys react to pleasure by being very quiet — even if they're enjoying it immensely. Watch his breathing — if it's a little irregular, he could be enjoying it a lot. If it's very steady, maybe he isn't getting much out of it. If you really want to know, ask him — he might say yes either way, but the way he answers could tell you a lot.

Whenever I masturbate my boyfriend, he never makes any noise. He just lies there like he's asleep. I ask him, "Are you sleeping?" and he tells me he isn't and that it feels so good — but I mean, if it feels good then why doesn't he do anything to make it more obvious? Why do girls often moan or breathe harder than guys in these kinds of situations?

Great question — and it's true, most men and women do react differently. There are probably several factors at play here. My guess is that although he says it feels "so good," it may not feel quite good enough to cause him to involuntarily react the way you'd like him to. Understand that he touches his penis every day — boy, does he touch it! — so even if someone else is providing the pleasure it's probably not different enough a sensation to send him over the top. But if you did some exploring of his body, you'd probably find some very pleasurable regions where he's less accustomed to being touched. Areas to try are his scrotum, crotch, inner thighs, hands, feet, nipples, armpits, ears...there are dozens of erogenous zones on a male's body. As you explore around during your playtime, you might touch a region that causes him to gasp suddenly — in a good way! Then you'll know you're on to something. If you can combine masturbation with tantalizingly delicate stimulation of this region, your boyfriend will be very happy. And I bet he'll make more noise.

Other likely factors: You might not realize how inward and fantasy-oriented male sexuality is. When you're masturbating him he may be so deeply involved in a fantasy that he has no energy for outward expression. Also, many women feel more responsible than men for feeding the sexual ego of their partner through vocal and physical expression — unfortunately he may not feel he needs to do this for you.

I am a girl. How many calories are in the average ejaculation? This is more of a scientific inquiry than a concern that giving my boyfriend oral sex will screw up my diet — I'm just interested.

I don't have an exact number for you, but it can't be much. Semen is mostly water with the rest made of sugars and some protein (it's essentially nonfat). I'd estimate about 10 calories — maybe a little more. But remember, most health practitioners consider swallowing semen an act of unsafe sex. Even though it won't get you pregnant, it can transmit STDs.

Now and then, while my husband and I are masturbating together (ourselves or each other), he mentions anal stimulation. He told me that when he is masturbating on his own, he sometimes inserts a dildo in his rectum — but he refuses to do this in my presence. He says he would find it much too embarrassing. It's a bit sad, because I would like to share this with him — we share everything else. (And to be honest, I think it would turn me on!) Anyway, I'm sure he would love me to give him some assistance, but he's just too afraid and too shy to take this step. Why is he so ashamed of himself, and how can I convince him to overcome his fear?
- age 36, Belgium


A lot of men are uptight about any kind of anal stimulation, because we're often taught it's a "dirty" part of the body that should be used for only one thing. And it also has associations with homosexuality, which some men have a problem with. But the fact that he's mentioned it to you — and since the two of you "share everything else" (which is terrific), I'd say he's pretty close to sharing this part of his life, too. Talk to him about it; tell him it would be a turn-on, that you don't think it's weird, and that you want to make him feel good. You might also have some success by surprising him with a little stimulation in that region sometime. With some coaxing and time, I'll bet you can both learn to incorporate this into your sessions masturbating together.

I've been married for a year (we're 39 and 42 years old), and my husband and I aren't too sexually active because he's often "not in the mood." I am very horny and I try very hard to get him in the mood, but most of the time he just pushes me away and tells me to leave him alone. But recently I discovered he's been masturbating. Although I'm not a Playboy centerfold, I am attractive, so what gives? Why does he prefer to masturbate instead of having real sex with me? I asked a male friend who said masturbation was more enjoyable than having sex with a woman, but I can't believe that.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you men and women perceive sex and sexuality in very different ways. For men, sex is a very physical thing and not nearly as emotional, mood-based, and love-oriented as it is for women. Because of this, and for complicated and ancient evolutionary reasons, many men lose interest in having sex with the same woman after an extended period of time — and a great many of these men turn to masturbation as an outlet. In your particular case this seems to have happened rather quickly, although you didn't mention how long the two of you had been sexually active before you got married.

Naturally when a wife is repeatedly turned away she takes this personally, as you seem to have, even though you aren't at fault. The fact is that even if you were the most beautiful woman in the world, he probably still would have lost interest by now. And yes, when it gets to that point, masturbation is more enjoyable than "real" sex, because masturbation allows him to indulge his fantasies in a harmless, non-threatening way. Please bear in mind that even in very happy, sexually active relationships the man often masturbates as an additional, different outlet. In cases like yours one practice just takes over the other, unfortunately for the partner.

I'm not sure there's much you can do. You might seek out some kind of couples' sexual counseling. Perhaps a creative, communicative approach can restore your mutual sex life again.

My boyfriend masturbates every morning in the shower, but at night he don't really care if we have sex or not. Do you think he might be gay, and that when he masturbates it's like he's having sex with a guy? Or is there something mentally wrong with him? I know it feels good to masturbate, but it feels good to have sex with a woman every once in a while as well. I really need a man's point of view on this.

We couldn't possibly tell you what your boyfriend's sexual orientation is — even he might not be certain of it right now. But understand that it's extremely common for a male to masturbate fairly frequently even when two-person sex is readily available. It's hard to explain why; it's just something guys do, something they enjoy, a private time for themselves and their fantasies, which for many men are very important and enjoyable, even if they have no intentions of ever acting on them. He also might be very used to doing this as a part of his daily routine ("like shaving," as Jerry Seinfeld said). If you're sexually unsatisfied you should talk to him about that, because it's an important part of your relationship (at least for you) — but in terms of him masturbating without you, the best thing you could do is just accept it and let him have his pleasure.

When I masturbate my boyfriend he's always concerned he is going to make a huge mess all over me, the bed, get his clothes all nasty, etc. He won't let me do it because of that! He recently told me he would let me do it if he was wearing a condom. I don't understand how it would stay on with the movements I would be doing on him. Are there any other options we can try?

A small percentage of males have a strong aversion to getting semen (even their own) on their skin or on other things or people. For some, it's a manifestation of an obsessive-compulsive disorder — for instance, they're constantly washing their hands for fear of germs. Others use it as an excuse when they're afraid they won't be able to ejaculate with someone else masturbating them. Whatever the case, yes, you can masturbate your boyfriend with a condom. Ordinarily a condom is supposed to fit snug enough so that it won't slide off; if it's too loose, try one of the "snug-fitting" brands. Some guys like to masturbate with condoms that are larger and looser, by lubricating the inside and sliding the condom over the penis. As an alternative, perhaps you or he could hold a small paper cup in front of his penis when he ejaculates — then the semen will go into the cup rather than "all over."

I am a 19-year-old female, and my boyfriend is 23. He's a pretty horny guy, and if he gets aroused but I can't have sex with him (if I'm too sore or tired), he masturbates. That's okay with me — the thing is that he wants me to masturbate him, but I'm uncomfortable with that. I'm scared of squeezing too hard, or not doing it hard enough, or pulling his hair. I know that sounds stupid, but there it is. I guess if I do it too hard he'll let me know, but then again, maybe not — he might just lie there thinking, "Dude, this sucks." I guess I'm asking what most guys like.

The best thing I can recommend is that you talk beforehand (pun not intended) and make sure he understands that he's to tell you exactly what he wants. Tell him you want to know exactly what he's feeling and what you can do to better please him. I certainly can't tell you how he likes it — but he definitely can, and he will if you coach him right.

If you haven't already, be sure to read the tips on masturbating a male from this past Question of the Week.

When my boyfriend masturbates or when we engage in any type of sexual stimulation, his eyes tear up a lot. He blames his sinuses, but this has been going on for over a year. He keeps a box of Kleenexes by his bed for this reason. Is this normal?

I'm not a doctor, but I'd venture to guess it has to do with vasodilation, or enlargement of the blood vessels, in his eyes and nose. (This is the same reaction that causes the "flush" of red skin coloring during sex.) A few people have a similar reaction and sneeze when they orgasm. I'd say its normal. But as always, he should check with a doctor if anything seriously concerns him.

My boyfriend masturbates two or three times a day. But it is not like he isn't having sex. We have sex three or four times a day sometimes. Even so, he is constantly playing with himself! Is there something wrong with him? Why does he need to play with himself so much? Does he have a disorder?

The "disorder" you boyfriend suffers from is called "being a male." This is simply how many males behave, whether in relationships or not. The reason why you haven't heard about it before is because it's a highly taboo subject. (We're trying to change that with JackinWorld!) If it helps, consider that at least he's being honest with you — most guys who do this slink around behind their girlfriends' back, masturbating in the bathroom or when the girl is away. I'd say consider yourself lucky — I'm sure he'd like you just to let him enjoy himself.

 
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