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JOKES, RIDDLES & OTHER FUNNY ITEMS

Got a masturbation joke you don't see here? Send it in! (Please go here for questions.) And please, no generic sex jokes — this page is for masturbation-specific jokes only.


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"ORGASMIC SYMPHONY"



ONE-LINERS

Procrastination is like masturbation — at first it might feel great, but in the end you're just [having sex with] yourself.

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90% of all women masturbate...the other 10% are nuns!

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Sex is like bridge — you either need a good partner, or a good hand.

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A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

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"95% of people masturbate...the other 5% don't have hands."

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"Sorry I'm late for work, boss, but I had to help my Uncle Jack off the horse."

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"You masturbate in the shower so much, you get an erection whenever it rains!"

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"I just flew in from the sperm bank — and boy, are my arms tired!"



RIDDLES

Q. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

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Q. What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
A. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a good wank!

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Q: What's the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?
A: When you make a deposit at a sperm bank, you lose interest!

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Q: Why did the logging train stop in the woods?
A: To let the lumberjack off.

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Q: What is a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, but a man can do it by himself!

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Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

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Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.

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Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day — what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.

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Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

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Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears — to listen for footsteps.

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Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.

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Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!

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Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.

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Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing!

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And one for you golfers out there:

Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!



STORIES

There once was a man whose religion said that he had to be naked all the time. Not wanting to go against his religion, he went everywhere naked — even to the supermarket. One day he went shopping for Lifesavers and gum. As he was heading toward the counter to pay for his candy, he saw three nuns come into the store. He thought, "I don't want these nuns to see me and preach to me about how I should wear clothes." Not having anywhere to hide, he stood very still and pretended to be a mannequin. The three nuns walked up to him and were very curious. The first one went up and yanked on the man's penis, and the man dropped the Lifesavers. The nun picked them up and showed them to the others saying, "Look, I got Lifesavers." The second nun went up to the man and pulled on his penis, and the man dropped his gum. The nun picked it up and said, "Look, I got gum." Not wanting to go home empty-handed, the last nun went up to the man, yanked on his penis, and said, "Look, I got hand lotion."

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A cigarette and a penis were walking down the street. The cigarette said to the penis, "Hey, man, something really bad happened to me the other day! Someone pulled me out of my house, put my ass in his mouth, lit my hair on fire, and sucked air through my head. It hurt like hell!" The penis replied, "That's peanuts compared to what I have to go through every day! My boss puts me in a plastic bag, wraps his hand around me, and won't stop shaking me until I puke!"

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Two construction workers were working the high beams. One was on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor needed a handsaw, but with all the construction noise, the other guy couldn't hear him. So the guy on the third floor decided to use hand signals. He pointed to his eye for "I," he pointed to his knee for "need," then moved his hands back and forth for "handsaw." The guy on the first floor dropped his pants and started masturbating. The guy on the third floor ran down to the first floor and said, "What the hell are you doing? All I wanted was a handsaw!" The guy on the first floor said, "I just wanted to tell you I was coming."

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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father was trying to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself — television, ice cream, homework, video games — but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed. After the poker game ended — with Johnny still out of sight — the father asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?" "Not much," the uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

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Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"

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A penis and a toe were talking one day. The toe said to the penis, "Man, I have the worst life. All day I am stuck inside a smelly shoe, and my master is clumsy, so I always get hurt." The penis responded, "Oh, yeah? My master makes me do push-ups until I throw up!"

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Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't enough bedrooms. The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms. Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"

Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom two!" was heard. Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar through the attic!"

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank one day to withdraw some cash, when the bank is robbed. Bullets fly everywhere, and she herself gets three in the abdomen. She is immediately rushed to hospital with fear that her soon-to-be child is dead. The doctors find out that in fact she is pregnant with triplets, not one of whom is hurt. Yet the doctors cannot find the bullets anywhere. The woman later gives birth to three healthy children — two girls a boy.

Shortly after the triplets turned 12, the first girl comes running up to her mother, saying, "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today in the toilet!" So the mother brings the child up in her lap and proceeds to tell her about the bank robbery 12 years ago. Shortly after that, the other girl comes running up saying "Mommy, mommy, I passed a bullet today!" So again the mother pulls the child up to her lap and tells her of the incident 12 years ago.

Later the boy runs up to his mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guessed what happened today!" "Did you pass a bullet as well?" she asks. "No," he answers. "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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A man goes to see the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "I need you to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why? It doesn't make you go blind." The doctor replies, "I know, but it's disturbing to the other patients."

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A man had 12 pigs — 6 male and 6 female. He tried to get them to mate, but nothing he did seemed to work. He went to the vet and asked how he could get them to reproduce. The doctor replied that he should hump the females so they wouldn't be scared of the males. The man felt uneasy about this, but he decided if that's what the vet said, he should try.

That night he took 2 female pigs out into the woods and humped them. He came back and got 2 more and he humped them, too. Finally he got the last 2 female pigs and humped them so hard it made his penis raw.

This continued for the next few days, and the man was upset because he couldn't masturbate — but he figured it was okay, because he was getting satisfied by the pigs. But after 3 weeks he noticed the pigs still hadn't mated, so now he just decided to give it one more try. He went out into the woods with all 6 of the pigs, and right there in front of them, he masturbated. Then he humped them so hard it made his penis ache and the pigs' behinds red.

The next day he was in the bathroom masturbating when all of a sudden his wife interrupted, saying, "Honey, you won't believe this, but there are 6 pigs in the car, and one is beeping the horn."

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A woman and her husband go to see a new movie. The woman is quite bothered by some scenes — in particular, a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she says, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighs and says, "All right — I'll stop doing it."

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes.

Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?" Her father says, "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon." She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out. "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."

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Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"

He answers, "Pepper."

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Zack comes home from school one day and is met at the door by his grandmother, who asks what he learned in school today. He replied, "We learned about sex." His grandmother just stands there, almost in shock. Then later that day she tells his mother about their conversation, and the kid's mom says, "Mother, sex IS a regularly studied subject in school these days."

Later that evening, grandmother walks past Zack's room, sees him vigorously masturbating, and says to him, "After you finish your homework, come down for dinner."

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A college professor was preparing his students for a big midterm. He said, "I've gone over all of the notes and answered everyone's questions — now for a final word. There will be no excuses accepted for not having the work done. No 'My dog ate it,' no 'I had to work,' no stories about a big party." One wise guy yelled out, "How about sexual exhaustion?" The professor said, "Nope — you'll just have to learn how to write with your other hand!"

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John was having problems pleasing his wife, so he went to see a sex doctor. The doctor tells John he'll do better in bed if he masturbates before having sex. John leaves, and on his way home he decides he'll have sex when he returns. So he finds a nice open spot on the side of the road and pulls over. He gets under the car, closes his eyes, and proceeds to "check the axel" under his car. About 5 minutes later he feels a tug on his pants, and not wanting to see who it is, he asks, "Who is it?" "It's the police — what do you think you're doing?" With his eyes still closed, John replies, "I'm checking my car's axel." The cop says, "Well, you'd better check your brakes, too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old male, in a pumpkin patch. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the county courthouse. From the county courthouse jail, Davidson stated that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his "need." In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

Said officer Taylor, "I just went up and asked, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

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A priest was arriving at his new parish in a small rural community. One of the members met him at the train with his horse and buggy to drive him to his new church. As they were going along the way, they passed a man in a pasture having intercourse with a cow. The priest was horrified; however, the man sitting next to him seemed completely unfazed and continued driving. Pretty soon they passed another pasture, where the priest witnessed a man having intercourse with a sheep. Again there was no reaction from the driver. A little further down the road, they came upon a man standing out in his pasture masturbating. The priest just couldn't take any more. "Stop right here, right now" the priest told the driver. The priest jumped out and went over to the man who was masturbating. "I don't get it," the priest said. "First we pass a man having sex with a cow, then we pass a man having sex with a sheep, and now we come upon you and you're masturbating. Can you tell me what is going on here?"

"Well, Father," the man drawled, "Many of us out here are poor folk, so not everybody can afford an animal."

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Three sex experts were in a meeting explaining the reports they had just finished. The first expert said it cost him 2 million dollars to find out why a man's penis head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the woman more. The second expert said it cost 3 million dollars to find out why the head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the man more. The third expert said it cost him only 50 dollars to find out why: because it kept him from accidentally hitting himself in the forehead when he masturbated.

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married." "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired."

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Two women always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the women remarked, "I never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!"

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A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day."

The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.

Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"

The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"

"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"

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A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure — what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure — what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."

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Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

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This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to the store, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy is thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with tap water, some of his dog's feces, and his wife's urine — and to top it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down to the drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all, your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow if you keep masturbating!"

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms — so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny — I dreamed I was skiing!"

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A guy starts his first day of work as the secretary of a sex clinic. The head doctor is showing him around the place, when they happen upon a man masturbating in the hall. "Whoa! What's going on there?" the guy asks. The doctor answers, "Oh, he has the disease hyper-spermatogenesis. If he doesn't ejaculate at least 7 times a day, his testicles will swell up and explode." So they continue the tour, and they pass a room where a beautiful female nurse is pleasuring a man orally. "What's going on there?" asks the secretary. The doctor replies, "He has the same problem as the masturbator — but he's got better insurance."

[Please note: Your testicles will not swell up and explode if you do not ejaculate!]

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A kid is masturbating behind his garage. His dad happens to walk nearby and hears him. His dad says, "Stop that, boy! It'll make you go blind!" The boy shouts back, "Dad! I'm over here!"
[Note: Masturbation will not make you go blind. This is an old wives' tale.]

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A kid is in his bedroom, near ecstasy as he masturbates ever more vigorously. In walks his father.

"You'd better stop that, son," says the dad. "Otherwise, you're liable to go blind."

The boy dutifully affirms that he will stop immediately.

A week later, the dad once again walks in on the boy as he is masturbating.

"I thought we had an agreement," dad sputters angrily.

"Well," says the kid, "I figured I'd just quit when I need glasses."

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There was this farm boy who had just discovered masturbation. So every day, he'd go masturbate behind the barn. One day, his father catches him and says, "Ah, son! You shouldn't be doing that. You oughta save it."

A week later, the father once again catches his son masturbating behind the barn and says, "Son! Didn't I tell you to save it?" The kid answers, "Sure dad — I saved me a bucket full."

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This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My penis is turning orange!" The doctor says," Well, what do you do for a living?" The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."

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A cowboy is out riding when he encounters an American Indian lying on the ground with his shirt open, buckskins down to his ankles, and a perfect erection pointing to the sky. The cowboy asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The man on the ground replies, "I'm finding out the time."

The cowboy says, "Huh? How does that work? I've never heard of such a thing."

The Indian says, "Oh, it's an old custom, but a white man could never get the hang of it. See, it's like a sundial. I can tell the time by how the shadow falls."

"I see," says the cowboy. "So what time is it?"

"About quarter to 11," says the Indian.

The cowboy thanks him and rides on. Some time later, he comes across another Native, again with his britches down and an erection. The cowboy asks the time.

"Almost 2:30," says the man on the ground.

"Thanks," says the cowboy, and moves on again. A couple of hours later, he comes across a third Indian, pants down with erection pointing skyward — only this guy is masturbating with great determination.

The cowboy says, "Hey, I met some of your buddies today, and they showed me how they tell the time — but what are YOU doing?"

He answers, "Winding the clock."

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One day, a kid walks in on his brother and his girlfriend having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" and his brother replies, "I'm playing poker — she's the queen and I'm the king. The kid leaves, not knowing any better.

About a week later, the boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, "Dad, what are you doing?" and his father replies, "I'm playing poker — she's the queen and I'm the king." He leaves again, not knowing any better.

The next day, the boy's brother walks in on him masturbating and says, "What are you doing?" and the kid says, "I'm playing poker." "Where's the queen?" his brother asks, and the kid replies, "Why do I need a queen when I've got a hand like this?"

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A very repressed married couple could never bring themselves to talk about "sex," so they always referred to it as "doing the laundry."

One evening, the husband was feeling romantic, so he suggested his wife come upstairs with him, so they could "do the laundry." She declined, saying she had a headache.

Later that night, the wife slid into bed next to her husband, and told him she was willing to help him do the laundry now. He replied, "That's all right, dear. It was a small load, so I did it by hand."

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Billy's father had a lot of guns around the house and was always telling Billy things about guns and how to take care of them, etc. Well, one day Billy was in the tub masturbating, and his mother walked in just as he was ejaculating. She stormed out, and Billy chased after her, saying, "I wasn't playing with myself! I was just cleaning it and it went off!"

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There was an elderly couple who wanted to have a child. They went to the doctor, and the doctor told them they were rather old to have a child, but he decided to test the man for a sperm count anyway. He gave them a jar to take home and told the man to produce a sperm sample and bring the bottle back to the office.

Two days later, the couple went back to the doctor's office. The man told the doctor there was a problem. "I tried with my right hand, and then I tried with his left hand, but no results," he said. "Then my wife tried with her right hand and also her left hand, and she even used her mouth — with her teeth in and her teeth out — but we still couldn't get the lid off the jar."
 
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