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Fun with Objects & Substances

Newest techniques on this page start here.

THE PILLOW PUMPER

Put two pillows (preferably fluffy ones) down on the bed, one top of the other, and then slip your penis between them. Prop yourself up on your arms and begin to pump. This is a free-handed technique.

VARIATION: PILLOW ON DESK
Simply put the pillows on a desk (most desks have the right height for this) or a table, place your hands on the pillows, and insert your penis and thrust in and out. This is something like having "doggy-style" sex.

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BANANA MAN

This is an easy one. Simply peel a banana (you can eat it later), slip the peel over your penis, and masturbate with it. The banana slime is a great lubricant. You can warm up the peel in the microwave for added sensations. Also, you might have better results if you peel the banana by making just one cut in the peel and removing the fruit through the single cut; you can then cut off the end of the banana peel and insert your penis through that end.

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THE SHOWER MASSAGE

If you masturbate in the shower and have a shower massager, lie on your back in the tub, and turn the nozzle to a really rough setting — something that would give your back a decent massage. Put the water on that really sensitive spot on the underside of your penis. After a couple of seconds to a couple of minutes, you'll have a great orgasm.

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THE LUBE-FILLED CONDOM

Take a condom with a reservoir tip, and fill the tip of the condom with a water-based lube. (The more lube you use, the better it feels.) Once the condom is nice and snug at the base of your penis, squeeze the tip, so the lube gets squished around. Then start to masturbate.

VARIATION: THE SLIDING CONDOM
Take a condom and put quite a lot of lotion in the tip. Then roll the condom down on your penis, and squish the lotion between your penis and the condom. Now slowly slide the condom almost off and back on again. When you get going, pull the end of the condom with one hand and then slide it back on with the other. Once you get the technique down, it will feel like your penis is a foot long as you slide the condom up and down. Then, when you approach orgasm, squeeze hard, hold your hands still, and thrust with your hips like with the "Vagina" method for a long-lasting orgasm that will milk you dry.

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THE LITTLE BOXERS

Put on some old boxer shorts that are too small, and pull your penis and scrotum out of the fly. Then pull the shorts up so they are tight, and fold the tops down, so you have a little bikini-type thing with your penis sticking out the front. This puts pressure on your penis that feels good, and masturbating like this provides a different sensation.

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MATTRESS SANDWICH

This one is rather odd but cool. First get an erection, and then take a pillow and crawl between the box-spring and mattress of a twin-size bed. (Full, king, and queen mattresses are too heavy.) Lie on your back, position the pillow between you and the mattress, and thrust your hips against the pillow. The weight of the mattress is a new and interesting sensation. Beware — If someone walks in on you, you'll have a tough time talking your way out of this one!

VARIATION: WITH A CONDOM
If you use a condom while using this technique, the sensation is better and the orgasm lasts a bit longer.

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LATEX GLOVES

Try masturbating with latex gloves (the kind dentists and doctors use). You can buy them at the drug store. For a variation, put on yellow rubber household gloves, and over them slip on latex gloves.

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THE SILK ORGASM

Find a very soft piece of clothing; silk is the best (the best you can use is a silk slip), but you can also use velvet or a pair of polyamide shorts, etc. Get an erection and lie down, and place the cloth over your penis. Then, with both hands, start rubbing the fabric to the left and the right, with the silk touching the sensitive underside of your penis. But don't rub too fast. Your penis will get very sensitive, and you'll have a great orgasm. You can enhance the feeling by draping some of the fabric over your scrotum so it gets stimulated, too.

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THE CONDOM-TWIST

Put some lube inside a condom, put it on your penis, and stroke for a while. Then start twisting the condom around your penis.

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THE KIWI DELIGHT
All you need for this technique is one kiwi fruit. Cut it in half and eat most of the inside, but leave about 4 millimeters (about a quarter inch) of fruit on the inside of the skin. Then cut off the top and bottom of each half (depending on your size), use it to line a ring that you make with your index finger and thumb, and masturbate.

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SGT. PEPPER
Roasted red sweet peppers out of a jar have the consistency of a vagina, or the inside of a mouth without the teeth. Insert your penis into one of these peppers while holding the pepper in your hand. Warning, do not use hot peppers for this technique!

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PRIME RIBS
Get one of those "ribbed" condoms, and turn it inside out so when you put it on, the ribs will rub against your penis. Lube the condom's inside (previously the outside) with K-Y Jelly or another water-based lube, and simply masturbate by moving the condom. If it's been a while, go easy — this will make you reach orgasm quickly, because the ribs stimulate every inch of your penis. Using a condom this way with a vagina simulator will make it feel even more real.

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THE KLEENEX "CONDOM"
You can make a very effective "condom" of sorts for masturbation (not for intercourse!) using Kleenex tissues (preferably the lotioned kind). Start with 5 tissues (you can adjust the number depending on your penis size), fold 3 of the tissues in half along the crease that's usually there, and then wrap them around the base of your penis. Drape the other two tissues over the top opening so you can hold onto the edges with your hand. Then move up and down, and you've got yourself an easy, pleasurable ejaculation cleanup that can be flushed away with ease. You may want to make sure the whole thing is totally soaked through before flushing; otherwise it may plug up the toilet.

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