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Get a plastic sandwich baggie and put some Vaseline in it. Then put your penis in and squish all the Vaseline around so it covers your penis. Once that is done, kneel in front of a bed. Lift the up mattress and put your penis, with the baggie still on it, between the mattress and the box-spring. Start pumping as if you were having sex. When you're done, all you have to do is throw away the baggie.

Get two pillows and sandwich them under the mattress, wrap a pair of boxer shorts (or something else soft) around your penis, and fold a Kleenex into the end, over the tip. Then insert your penis between the pillows and pump away.

Instead of using a baggie, use a piece of bubble-wrap — the plastic stuff used to wrap fragile items for shipment.

After putting your lubed-up penis in the baggie, unroll a heavy sweatsock over the whole thing, like a condom. The sock shouldn't have too much left over at the base of your penis, though, as it can limit your range of motion. Then put the whole thing between the mattress and box spring, or under a chair cushion, and go for it! The sock reduces possibly uncomfortable friction while still hugging your penis.

Put some lube in a sandwich bag; then get a heating pad and fold it in half. Set the bag of lube in between where you folded the pad in half. Place the heating pad (still folded in half and turned on a low or medium setting — NOT high), with the bag of lube in it, under a couch cushion seat or between your bed's mattress and box spring, and insert your penis into the bag and proceed like you're having sex.

Get a condom, a freezer baggie, a toilet-paper roll (with no paper on it), two pillows, a bed, and some lotion. First, lube up the baggie with the lotion and spread it all around inside. Next, feed the baggie through the toilet-paper roll and spread out the open end. Get two pillows and put them between the mattress and the box-spring, and then put the toilet-paper roll with baggie in between the pillows (open end out). Put on the condom and lube that up, too. Insert your penis into the open end of the toilet-paper roll, and pump away. The toilet-paper roll gives you that tight squeeze, and the condom prevents that uncomfortable rub from the plastic baggie.

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Get a condom that's a little too big for your penis, and fill the tip with water and water-based lube or a bit of liquid soap. (Make sure it's not a kind that stings!) Now get your penis wet and slippery (but not foamy), and slide on the condom, getting rid of any air bubbles. Unroll it all the way so it has some excess at the end. It should feel super-smooth and should slide without much friction. Get a soft and elastic sock, and turn the open part inside out over the toe part. Carefully pull it over your penis while making sure there's still some slack at the end of the condom. Lie down on your couch, hold the cushions apart with one hand, pull the sock down in with the other, and settle into a lying-down position. If the lubrication is right, the slightest movement will make your penis slip one way or the other — it's a challenge just to lie still for several minutes and not ejaculate.

You will need a pair of socks (preferably long, thick ones, like hiking socks if you have them), margarine, and a condom (or a large balloon or thin rubber glove if you cannot get a condom). Insert one sock inside the other and then turn the two half-inside-out so the top of the socks is folded back almost down to the toes. Take the condom and unroll it completely. Put some margarine into the condom and squish it all around so that the bottom two-thirds of the condom is well lubricated. Then insert the condom into the socks. Bunching up the socks from the toes, pull the tip of the condom down the inside of the socks until the rim of the condom is just outside the top of the socks. Next, with your fingers under the rim, lift it over the end of the socks so it holds the condom firmly in place. (If using the finger of a rubber glove, you will need to use a rubber band to hold it in place.) You might also need to hold the end of the sock-condom in place somehow. You will now see a very appealing hole awaiting your use. The thick socks will nicely squash the condom flat, providing excellent vagina-like qualities. Spread margarine around the outer "lips" of the condom over the socks, and form a "plug" of margarine in the hole. You're ready to go. You can either move the sock/condom with your hand, hold it and trust into it, or put it between your mattress and box spring and thrust into it.

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You will need Vaseline (petroleum jelly — not Vaseline Intensive Care hand lotion), Saran Wrap, and two wet paper towels or a wet washcloth. Coat your penis with the petroleum jelly. (The more you put on the more fluid it will feel, the less you put on the easier it will be to clean up.) Once your penis is coated, put the Saran Wrap on your penis with the head in the center of the wrap, and then fold it down around the shaft. Take the wet paper towel or washcloth and wrap that around the Saran Wrap. If you use warm water to wet the paper towel or washcloth, it will feel like a warm vagina.

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This is kind of a combination of the Foo Foo and Baggie & Mattress techniques (see above and below). You will need one small towel, one sandwich baggie, one to ten rubber bands, and Vaseline (or some other lube). First, fold the towel in half so it's lying horizontally, and then place the baggie at the upper-left corner of the towel with its opening facing away from you. Next, roll up the towel. Use the rubber bands to hold the bag in place; you can use more rubber bands for a tighter "vagina." Next, take a bit of the lube and "finger" the "vagina" so it's slippery inside. Then lube up your penis. Finally, stick the artificial vagina between your mattress and box spring and pump away.

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For this one you need a paper-towel tube (really hard cardboard, if possible), a sock (the thicker the better), a large plastic bag (gallon-size is best), a rubber band, your favorite lube, and a pencil or a similar-size stick. Take the sock and turn it inside out. Stick the sock into the tube and pull it through. Take about 2" of the sock's open end and pull it over the outside of the tube. Then lube up the inside of the bag and push the bag into the open end of the sock with the pencil — enough so there's room for your penis. Pull the part of the bag that's sticking out and fold it over the outside rim of the tube and sock (so the opening is still there, of course). Secure everything in place with a rubber band around the rim, and pump into it (or pull it up and down on your penis). Note: If the bag becomes uncomfortable, feel the inside for folded corners or dry areas and adjust as necessary. For cleanup, just throw away the bag.

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Get a small block of foam (the higher the density the better) from an upholstery supply store or an army surplus store; it should be 6" x 6" x 8" or longer. With a sharp knife, make a single straight cut lengthwise through the block. Insert a condom, plastic wrap, or some kind of vinyl/rubber/latex sleeve into the cut, pulling it through from the other side. Lube it up, place it between the mattress and box spring, and enjoy.

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For this one, get a hold of several condoms. Fill each condom with warm water; then tie off the end, as if you're tying off a balloon. Carefully tie each end together to form a ring. When you've done this with several condoms, put them next to each other to form the "love tunnel," holding the condoms together with a wrapped-up towel or a large can, such as the kind Ovaltine comes in. Definitely use lubrication for this one — but of course, nothing oil-based or the condoms will rupture.

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What you need: An empty can of Pringles potato chips, two latex rubber gloves, two foam sponges, two electrical-cable ties, and lube. Cut off all the fingers of one of the gloves but not the thumb, leaving a latex tube. Tie a knot in the glove's wrist. Next, cut a couple of parallel slots in the Pringles lid near the middle to thread a cable tie through. Tie knots in all the other glove's fingers except for the middle finger. Secure this middle finger to the inside of the lid using the cable tie. You now have a latex sleeve to simulate the inside of a vagina. Now you need to mold the sponges to surround the glove — it's up to you how tight you want to make it. Cut off the bottom of the Pringles can, leaving a hollow tube. Slide the glove and sponge arrangement into the tube and secure the lid. Now stretch the glove's wrist over the open end of the tube, and finally, stretch the other glove over the entrance and secure it with a cable tie. Add liberal amounts of your favorite lube, and there you have it — your very own "vagina" that you can shag whenever you want.

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Get about 7 inches of a 2-inch-diameter PVC pipe; a large, soft sponge that can hold a lot of water; and balloons or condoms. Cut the sponge into a relatively thin, flat sheet about 5 inches wide and 7 inches long, and make the cut sponge thicker on one edge (so you can create a tighter opening). With fishing twine, sew the sponge together so the two 7-inch sides touch each other. The sponge should now form a cylinder 7 inches long. Put the sponge in the PVC pipe so the inside walls of the pipe are covered with the sponge. You can then put either a condom or one of the squiggly "worm" balloons sold at toy stores through the sponge. Make sure the condom or sponge is secured to the outside of the PVC pipe, and make sure the other end is firmly attached to the other end of the pipe. Then simply put hot water in the sponge. (If the sponge is too hot, it might hurt — so wait until it's just the right temperature.) Put some kind of lubricant (hand lotion, K-Y jelly, etc.) in the condom or balloon and slide your penis into it. You might need to make the device several times so the sponge is neither too tight or too loose.

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Put some bubble-wrap inside something cylindrical, like an empty can of the proper size. Make it tight, add lube, and thrust into it.

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Get a dishtowel (or any kind of small towel) and a latex glove (the thin kind surgeons use, which can be found in many drug stores or hardware stores). Cut a hole in one of the fingers of the glove. Place the glove at the end of the towel on the side edge, and roll up the towel — snug, but not tight. Stretch the opening of the glove around the towel to stabilize it, and put some sort of lube into it. Then thrust into it. To clean up, all you have to do is discard the glove — but be sure to have plenty of extras, because you will love it! Reader improvement: Add 10 or 20 rubber bands on the towel at various parts, especially the entrance of the opening. It makes it tighter and feels a lot better and more realistic.

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Here's a homemade masturbation toy that takes a bit of time to make, but it's worth it. Items needed:
Regular box of spaghetti (regular-size noodles work best — not the large noodles)
Jar or glass (any sturdy glass that's the same circumference from top to bottom — just make sure it's long enough and wide enough; 4 to 5 inches in diameter should be fine)
Large sheet of Saran Wrap
1 or 2 strong rubber bands
Broom handle or long-neck beer bottle

Cook the spaghetti noodles until done (as if you were going to eat them). Drain the water and add a bit of vegetable oil to prevent the noodles from sticking together — just add one capful of oil, because you'll want them to stick together a little later on. Let them cool to a nice and warm temperature; be sure to finger-test to prevent burning yourself. Next, fill the glass with the noodles and pack it tight. Find something to push down the noodles to pack the glass. (Just be careful to not break the glass while packing the noodles in.) Pack the noodles all the way to the top. Stretch the Saran Wrap over the top of the glass. Make sure the Saran Wrap is pulled tight across the top, and secure it with a strong rubber band or two. The noodles will try to pop out, so the stronger the rubber bands, the better it will work out. Next, poke a small hole in the center of the Saran Wrap with a pencil or something similar, and then push a broom handle or bottleneck into the small hole in the wrap. It should open up the wrap some and make a nice-size hole in the packed spaghetti. The spaghetti will expand some to accommodate your penis; a broomstick handle makes a good starter hole.

You can use any lube, but try warm butter. Just put the butter in a bowl and microwave until melted and warm (not hot). On a finger, rub the melted butter inside the spaghetti hole. At this point you will feel just how much that spaghetti really feels like a vagina — it's amazing, especially if the spaghetti is still nice and warm. Apply the butter lube to your penis, and insert it into the hole. The Saran Wrap keeps the spaghetti from coming out and also creates a vacuum effect. You can put the jar on the floor or between two pillows or wherever it sits well for you, and hump away.

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Fill a ZipLoc sandwich baggie about halfway with honey and add a spoonful of peanut butter to thicken if needed. Squeeze the air out of the bag, flatten it, roll it up to make a tube, lube it up, and then insert your penis. If you use freezer bags, you can heat the mixture a little in the microwave. Since honey never goes bad, you could use the tube o' sweetness many times. (Wash the outside of the baggie between uses.)

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Get a 6-foot length of 1 3/8" inside-diameter x 1/2" wall Armaflex pipe insulation at a plumbing-supply store or home-improvement warehouse (costs about $6). It's a single piece of neoprene foam rubber, not the slitted foam-plastic type others have suggested here. Cut a length 3" longer than your erect penis. With sandpaper, roughen 1" of the inside at one end, apply a 2-part epoxy cement, and clamp it shut with with the other (open) end pointing up. After 12 hours remove and install around the rubber sleeve two thick rubber bands at 1" and 4" from the open end. (The rubber bands they use to tie fresh broccoli are best.) Apply a little K-Y Jelly and 3 or 4 sprays of water, insert your erection part way, and squeeze the tube to expel air. Then thrust in and out. The inward stroke emulates vaginal sex, and retracting simulates oral. This is also good wearing a condom. The sleeve will last a year with daily use. [The reader who submitted this claims it's "the best I've found in 60 years of masturbation."]

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One problem with the popular Baggie & the Mattress technique is that a mattress is flat, while a vagina is round and fully surrounds the penis. This simulator addresses this limitation. Unroll a condom, and push the reservoir tip up through the middle of the condom and through the opening from the inside out (but don't turn the condom completely inside out — just pull the tip slightly past the opening). Hold the tip there with your thumb and forefinger while you use the other hand to hold the opening open so you can blow the condom up with air. (You'll be inflating the inside of the condom, only while you're doing this, you're holding onto the reservoir tip, which should be just poking through the opening. This may take some practice.) Make sure not to blow it up too big. Once it's full of air, the other end of the inflated condom should be in the shape of a donut, with a "vagina" created by the tip having been pulled through the opening. Do not let go of the tip. Now, twist the opening and the tip together — tie the opening in a knot like a balloon, but make sure you tie the tip with it so it stays. Now you have your own latex "vagina." Lube it up and enjoy. It's a nice, tight fit, there's suction — and if it were warm, it would feel like a real vagina. If you're feeling adventurous, once you've mastered the process above, try filling the condom with warm water instead of air.

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Here's a simulator that creates suction to simulate the feeling of oral sex. Find some kind of short, rigid tube; the center of a roll of duct tape or packing tape works well. Carefully wrap a soft hand towel around the outside of one edge and through the inside of the tape roll, making it as thick as necessary to fit around your penis. Now unroll a condom, slide it through, and pull it into place through the opening; then carefully stretch it over the mouth of the tape roll. It's a big stretch and the condom could rip if you're not careful here. Secure it with a heavy-duty rubber band (like the kind they put around stalks of broccoli at the supermarket). Now lube up well and slide in your penis. This is the good part: To create suction, pull hard on the tip end of the condom as you pull out. It's a gentle suction, but it feels good as your penis pops out. Pull all the way out and let the condom fill up with air, and then push back in and feel the air burble out around your penis. This can get noisy, though, so you may want to do this when nobody is around.

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First, get a large coffee can. At a dollar store, buy a pair of kids' "water wings" or "floaties" (inflatable arm-band flotation devices). Fill the water wings three-quarters full with warm water. Duct-tape them together to make a tunnel, and stuff them into the coffee can. Wrap the can with a towel or pile of pillows, and fold duct tape around the can's perimeter to protect yourself from any sharp edges that may exist there. Lube up and pump into the can to your heart's desire! The can holds everything together for hands-free action. The water in the "floaties" provides pressure against the penis, like real vaginal walls.

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Nothing quite compares to the feel of a vagina — but this simulator may be the next best thing. Fill two rubber hot water bottles with water. Close tightly. Slather up your penis with Vaseline, baby oil, or other lube, and sandwich your penis in between the bottles. It's easier if you place the "sandwich" on a tabletop or the back of a couch so it is at crotch level. By gripping either end of the hot water bottles and applying pressure, you can pump slow or fast in and out of the "sandwich." With the heat and slickness, it may be the closest you will come to simulating the actual feel (and even the sounds) of a vagina.

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